March did not pan out as well as I'd hoped for me being productive..I literally haven't done much for the last few weeks but I think it's exactly what I needed to re-group. So now I'm ready to start April being productive and non-procrastinating (or I can try at least!)....I need to continue with my detox and need to finish this yuck semester and hopefully pass.

so me!

I was just thinking how sad technology is...I don't write in a diary, I blog; I don't take pictures and put them in a photo album, I post them on FB. I love randomly looking back at old diary entries and old pictures...so now I had to order all the pics from FB and it was expensive! ;)

So it's a crazy thought that I may have found the one and the whole time he was right there.
And before anyone yells at me for moving too fast or thinking too big already, it's just a random thought! :P I know that I have a tendency to leap into things and follow my heart, not my head but I'm okay with that. Part of my charm is that I'm so passionate about things, that I do give all my heart to people, even when they don't deserve it. This is a completely different relationship then I've ever had before, I'm thinking before I act, I actually talk to him instead of running away, I 100% believe that he knows me and doesn't care how crazy I am, and for the big things, like sex and love and marriage, I am being very cautious and slow with. I would like to do this one right, wait to have sex till I'm engaged, wait to say I love you until we know 100% this is the one....
Honestly, I'm not over-thinking and analyzing it, just enjoying how great this feels and happy I am. Really I'm just enjoying that out of a sea of shitty, unreliable people I have found a genuine friend.

{quote}

"Faith is the continual demonstration of the strength and wonder of life."

plans.....

I was once told, if you want to make God laugh, make plans. I think it's very true but I am a planner, controller by nature so I'm going to attempt to make plans for the next two years. Here goes....I will graduate in May 2012 and then am planning on moving, as much as I have enjoyed being back in LC I know with certainty I want more. So I am in favor of two places, Seattle/Portland area or back to Colorado. If I go to Colorado, I have been admitted to a Pastry School and will do a program that is part time for 15 weeks and then get my second degree. This way I can teach for awhile and then eventually do my biggest goal, which is to open a bakery.

Well I'm doing what I do best and freaking out, the difference is I'm actually talking to him and friends before acting. I tell him to remind me to breathe and he does and then I calm down.
I'm scared that I don't know how to let myself be happy...

Oh and we completely remind me of Charlotte and Harry from Sex and the City...he was so not her type and she almost wrote him off but it turned out he was perfect for her and the love of her life.

♥

It's way to early to say and I'm the biggest skeptic of love and people and forever, but this relationship, this guy feels real, different. I can't stop thinking about him, miss him after a minute, get very grouchy when I can't have him, completely trust him, and for the first time in my life feel 1000% positive that no matter what I do, how much of pain I am, how much of my Vanessa bs I do, he won't leave me. I feel like he knows me completely. He told me today, "You are not a pain, just want a lot."
It's crazy...
Is this what it feels like when you find the one??

“You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”
- Dr Suess

♥

I am in fact a little smitten....it's a great, scary feeling!

I am having a Alice in Wonderland theme party in April and so excited, I LOVE dressing up but am having costume issues...however I think this will be the one.
http://www.starcostumes.com/items/Queen-of-Hearts-Costume-Adult.aspx?utm_source=googlebase&utm_medium=comparisonshopping&source=k232270
And on a side note, it never ceases to amaze me how easily things change in our lives, how much they constantly change...but all I can do is enjoy the roller coaster ride. Right now I'm on a high point. ;) It is crazy how some people can be in your lives forever, yet you never really pay them attention until one day, through dumb FB, you start talking and they become a huge part of your life....love it!!

currently reading...

I am now starting Wicked by Gregory Maguire. I can't wait...loving the whole play on The Wizard of Oz (oh and the book is green, which I just think is cool!).

boy update...

So I have finally decided to take my lovely friends advice and never go back or entertain thoughts of ex's....I had a momentary lapse this week with G, especially after the things he said Sunday...but there is a reason why ex's are ex's!
I am starting to talk to a new boy, who is not my type-but honestly do I even know what my type is anymore!-but very sweet, sincere, funny and clearly adores me. I am not putting much into it at this point but just seeing what happens....but he is surprising me and it's lovely! :)

“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”

Zoey ♥

St. Patty's day....

Okay seriously did that just happen, St. Patty's day ran into a whole lot of HS people, saw the guy I randomly kissed at NYE, saw D, my ex that I'm still not over, my ex, G called and told me he misses me and had random boys hit on me....now I'm drunk and soooooo confused!!!

Epiphany.

I have had an epiphany, tired of being sad and over-analyzing everything so I am over it! I am focusing on myself and backing off of people for awhile..this is up there with giving up boys in hardness for me. I'm a social person, who craves people, talking, love but I'm feeling consumed, broken by people and I just need a break. I need friends that really want to be in my life, that pursue talking/hanging out with me, that realize I need them right now....so we'll see I guess...

{quote}

"Life is fragile. We are all vulnerable and we will all, at some point in our lives, fall. We must carry this in our hearts, that what have is special, that it can be taken from us and when it its taken from us we will be tested, tested to our very souls. It is these times, this pain, that allows us to look inside ourselves."

contemplating....

I am feeling a huge mix of emotions lately...sad and distance from friends-in fact I have decided to just back off from people completely for a little while..I feel like I'm always the pursuer and I'm tired of it; contemplating the next step in my life; and the endless questions about boys, especially now with my ex, G. I can't deny what we have, the chemistry and connection. He knows me better then anyone, wholly and completely..and the the things he said Sunday night...I know I am a complete disaster with relationships, I'm high maintenance, over-emotional, over-analyzer, a flight risk, who pushes people away, and who gets what she thinks she wants but then doesn't want it anymore...so for a person to tell me you drive me crazy but I don't want you to change, you are my Vanessa...words can't describe how that felt to hear. Maybe there is someone out there who can handle everything that is me and won't ask me to change or leave me because I can't! But I don't know how I feel about G-if I honestly can see us back together, my future with him or honestly if that's even an option..what if I had the right guy there the whole time and I let him go and now I've lost him for good? Or what if space was all we needed to get our shit together?

best conversation..my heart may burst! ♥

I had just had a guy tell me everything I've ever wanted someone to say to me...."I can't see my life without you, in any form or shape. My life is no life without you. There is no me without you. I don't want you to change-you're my Vanessa. I will always be in your life, no matter how many times you throw me out. You are my chaos and pleasure."
And this wasn't even I want you as my girlfriend or wife, it was just I'm your friend, I'm your person no matter what and I'll never leave.
My greatest fear is being left, which is why I become crazy Vanessa in relationships and then hence make them leave...this is the first time in my entire life that I believe, whether its as a friend or as more, this person will always be there. I can't even describe how I feel right now...

Saturday.

I've had a lovely perfect Saturday...went to the Farmers Market and walked around, then the Art Museum, then lunch, then walked around Mesilla (sampled some wine...say the best quote, "Life is good but wine is better!"), and then sat on the patio listing to live music with a bucket of beer...then tonight going to a party with a old friend. Perfect! :)
And tonight no one believed my age, told me I looked 27...woo hoo!!!

So this week is pretty much shot to hell with me being a big pile..all I've done is be lazy and watch Netflix. So much for taking the week off of work to catch up on school..
However, next week is a fresh start and I will be better: exercise, detox, school, work..

people make me sad.

I have said before and I'll say it again, people suck!! I have been sad all week because of them and then hating myself for caring. I'm tired of seeing the best in people, of giving them my all just to be let down and hurt...and seriously do you ever really know someone?!


There is a perfect quote that keeps me strong...
"God doesn't give you the people you want, He gives you the people you NEED. To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be."

{quote}

"No matter how many plans we make or steps we follow, we never know how our day is going to end up. We'd prefer to now what curve balls will be thrown our way but its the accidents that always turn out to be the most interesting part of our day, of life. The people we never expected to show up, the turn of events we would have never chosen for ourselves, all of a sudden you find yourself somewhere you never expected to be and its nice or it takes some getting used too..still you know you'll find yourself appreciating it somewhere down the line so you go to sleep each night thinking about tomorrow, going over your plans, preparing the lists and hoping that whatever accidents come your way they are happy ones."

Weekend recap.

So just got back from a weekend in Abq: drunk scene it, Desiree being arrested and me in the back of a cop car, ending three friendships, car work, bridesmaid dress outing, Trader Joes and wine heaven, GNO and a lot of drunken fun (and pictures), eating way too much, baby shower, and lots of convos with my ex, G....

Severely Single.

So first let me start with how much of a fan I am of blogging, not only of my own but of others. I love that I can personalize a page and it's all about me, from random thoughts to quotes to personal stuff....How did I wait so long to do one?
Secondly, I was reading this great blog, www.severelysingle.com, and I love it! We are so similar: talkers, animated, adorable, single but not because we are unwanted or have not had many opportunities but because we chose not to settle. Yes one day I would like to meet the right guy but I think there is more out there, like finding yourself, like great friends and great adventures, and honestly I'm just good at being single! I like change and adventure and even some drama, and I like options.

L.O.V.E.

Love: It's a word we all know and use, something we all want and search for, something that makes life worthwhile but for me it has always been a very hard word. I love easily and deeply, despite what the aftermaths of loving does to you, the hurt that is unimaginable. I have always had guys declare their love, almost instantly, but do they really know what love is!? Love is not a convenience, something that just goes away because it is no longer convenient...Real love is not conditioned on the “mood”.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
Love endures ALL things!

Oh, my heart....

I met my ex, G, for tea today..we are so good together, you can feel the connection and no one has ever understood me like he does..I don't understand how two people can be so connected in every possible way yet have exploded like we did. He told me about this girl that he's been seeing, how she has pointed out the same things that I did about him, and he apologized to me for being a jerk. I so want him to be happy but seriously I could feel my heart break a little.

I quit!

I didn't start out the day thinking it would turn out this way but everything has been leading me to it and today was the final push, I quit my job finally. I loved my kids and the hours but the pay is horrible, I am so under-appreciated, and I stupidly had an office romance and now am paying the price...so back to restaurants I go. It is a way better fit for me while I am finishing school, I need to be social and busy and make more money in order to keep my sanity.
I still am struggling with the feeling that I took ten steps back in life (being back in my hometown, being a student, and now serving) but I know school is worth it.

What would you do if you were told that you had 10 years to live?

*here's my list, not in any particular order...

1. Graduate school.
2. Learn French and then live in Paris for a year.
3. Travel.
4. Get married.
5. Sky-dive, bungee jump, etc...
6. Learn how to play the piano.
7. Finish reading The 100 Greatest Novels of All Time.
8. Open a bakery/wine bar.
9. Smile every day and not sweat the small stuff.
10. Pray every night.
11. Drink, eat, be merry, and take tons of pictures.
12. Say I love you daily.
13. Soak up every possible ounce of knowledge I can.
14. Be on Amazing Race.
15. See a opera.
16. Learn how to dance.
17. Go to a Patriots game.

Today was a bad day...starting with me being an unmotivated, lazy blob (school and exercise), ending with my ex being an immature ass who ruined my work day. I came home and cried...but I have great friends and know that I'm better then him, so I am over it and am now watching the Bachelor and getting my Facebook fix. ♥

Here is a great poem I stumbled upon about a door...
"Consider how many times life changes by opening a door, who you meet there, what you find there, what you leave behind. Falling in love with a door is easy; it records the living, hears every whisper, every tear, it lets you lean there - against it, slam it, bang it, walk through it...
Yes. I do believe the most sensible way to get through a wall is by using a door.
Either side lets you in or leaves you out - holds in warmth, keeps out cold, holds generally. And of course it makes you question.
Question where you are going, what you are doing, why you are doing it, what made you do it. Question choices, courage and letting go. Letting it be. Letting it open.
I've left my breath near a door many times - and found it too."