This is my quote..."I have always depended on the kindness of strangers." I don't want it to sound like I'm not independent, because I am and have had the unfortunate luck of not having a strong family base so really throughout my life I depend on myself..But I do and always have, turned to the opposite sex for support when life gets hard. Boys always are around and willing to help so...
Is that bad? I do think it gets me into quite a lot of trouble and adventures..hence the one I just got myself into... :/

a night out...

Last night was my first night out all month and true to form, it was very interesting and a little bit scary!
Went to class and then met Christina at Vintage Winery to hear a friend play...such a great time! Drinking wine, catching up with a best, sitting in the cold, and listening to beautiful music. Then we decided to go to El Patio and yeah completely random people and band...and this guy hit on me. He seemed normal, distinguished, older and handsome, good conversation but no he was weird and gave a "I'll kill you when alone with you" vibe..AND he was with random people, it was like a mob! Seriously I was afraid!

To Vegan or not to Vegan??

So I used to be almost a Vegan and I loved it...I hate the way animals are treated for our purposes and you just have to read one PETA article and will never look at food the same. I stopped when I moved to Abq. but have been seriously reconsidering it again, especially after watching Food, Inc and Dr. Oz. I am going to do the Dr. Oz' Vegan diet for a month and then probably go to being a vegetarian.
I feel so good about this year and the changes I'm going to make! I started with school, then boys, then health and now going back to being a Vegan...This is going to be a good, productive year for me and I'm loving me and all I have to offer. :)

January...

So far January has been very boring and drama free..I am trying to be good and be a home-body and be boy free. It's good but at the same time I don't do well with this...I feel restless!! lol

I've been sad about the people that have left my life recently but then I realized I have people that miss me on a daily basis, that fight to keep me around and those other people become irrelevant and obviously were not real friends. Its hard for me though because I don't have a family so people that I let in become my family, which is why realtionships are so important to me, why I give pieces of myself to them...but apparently its not that important to other people. I don't think I'll ever become numb to this horrible part of life-letting people in, become close, and then one day they are just gone....
I fall in love with people too easily.

Jewel - Stronger Woman Lyrics:

I guess you could say I'm one of those girls
That's always been with one of those guys
You know the type
Like right now, he sleeps while I write
But it's better than crying
I'm worn out from trying
From loving a man who always makes it clear
I'm not welcome here
Just till he's horny and hungry
or needs something cleaned
And you know what I mean

But not tonight
'Cause come the morning light, oh
I'm gonna love myself more than anyone else
Believe in me, even if someone can't see
The stronger woman in me

I'm going to be my own best friend
Stick with me till the end
Won't lose myself again, never, no,
'Cause there's a stronger woman,
A stronger woman in me

Light bulbs buzz,
I get up
And head to my drawer
I wish there was more
I could say
Another fairytale fades to gray
I've lived on hope
Just like a child
Walking that mile
Faking that smile
All the while
Wishing my heart had wings

Well tonight, I'm going to be
The kind of woman I'd want my daughter to be, oh

This is me, packing up my bags
And this is me, headed for the door
And this is me, the best you ever had
I'm going to love myself
More than anyone else
Believe in me even if someone cannot see
There's a stronger woman in me
I'm going to be my own best friend
Stay with me till the end
Won't lose myself again, never, no
'Cause there's a stronger woman
A stronger woman
There's a stronger woman,
A stronger woman in me.

{quote}

"There is some boy out there that's going to like you for everything you are, including those parts that even you don't like and those will be the things he likes the most."

boys...

Okay here is a recap on the boys of 2009:

Boy #1: G and I met at Sbarro in 2008 when I moved back to Cruces, we had an instant connection on every level but we combined too much-friendship, love, sex, working together-and eventually it exploded into a very volatile relationship. He proposed but I wasn't ready..we tried to still be friends after the proposal but it didn't work, which is heartbreaking but....
Boy #2: E and I met at McAlister's and had a great friendship, instantly drawn to each other. We went to McAllen, TX together to open a store and one drunken night, he declared his feelings for me BUT he had a serious live in girlfriend at home who he said he would leave to be with me, even talked about moving from Abq for me. We both decided this was not good and should just be friends but of course he couldn't do that...and I found out a few months later that his gf was pregnant!
Boy #3: R is another boy I met through McAllister's when I went to McAllen. He declared his feelings one drunken night (which upsets me, hello have the balls to say how you feel sober!) and got mad at me for the relationship with E and not picking him. We have stayed in touch since and he constantly asks me to go see him but Idk how I feel about him and the distance...
Boy #4: P and I reconnected on FB but have known each other since middle school. We talked for weeks, just talking and it was soooo good. I haven't had a crush in forever. But he has major issues with girls and I as usual am a high maintenance, needy mess and was too much for him. :(
Boy #5: C and I met through a friend and he was completely random, covered in tattoos, a total boys boy, completely unattached from people but we started dating and it was like dating myself (the running and pushing). More happened but way too personal..I will say that it was the worst I've ever been treated!
Boy #6: A and I met at Sbarro..he is 19! I know, I know..way too young but he is so cute and sweet and honestly more mature and forth-right with his feelings then most older guys..he would even write me poetry! So he would constantly ask and plan on marrying me but we have just maintained a friendship, for the most part....
Boy #7: D and I met through the daycare and he is completely not my type-25, not attractive, inexperienced, poor people skills but we started talking as friends and then it became more. I adored him and thought for a moment he could be the one but he didn't know how to be a boyfriend, especially to a high maintenance girl, and the maturity level is amazing. And as usual when things start to get serious I freak out and start doing my back and forth bs..so at the end he told me "I like everything about you except the back and forth." We had a mutual break up, which was sad and a waste but it wasn't a bad break up and no reason for us too not be friendly. He hasn't spoken too me since, acts like he hates me and has thrown me away like I'm disposable...its the worse feeling in the world. I usually can't get boys to leave me, the majority of them stalk me, and here is this guy that actually left and made it look so easy. I'm still sad about him...
Boy #8: E is a guy from high school that I reconnected with on FB and I am smitten with him..so cute, great personality, makes me laugh, great connection and after all this time still knows me so well. Negative is that he doesn't live here but we talk all the time...we shall see what happens with this one..
Boy #9: M is a guy from Sbarro who I consider a friend but I know he wants more..we started being pen pals and actually writing letters to each other and have gotten close, he sends me flowers, and we hung out for Xmas Eve but I really am not attracted to him and just see a friendship...unfortunately I don't think he's OK with that.
Boy #10: B is a random guy from FB that requested me and normally I don't add people I don't know but for some reason I did with him...we started talking and had this amazing 4 hour conversation, where we shared everything! But he freaked out and became shady so we stopped talking, then a few weeks later he apologized and we have been talking again but I'm not feeling it anymore other then friendship.
Boy #11: D is actually friends with #8 and requested me on FB. This boy was soooo lovely, everything I'm looking for and we talked for a few weeks but he's 25 and immature and came on way too strong sexually. Its great that you are so attracted to me but seriously are we 12 and can't keep our penis in our pants!! So he said at the end that he wanted to start over and actually get to know me but BS!
Boy #12: D is a guy I met at a NYE party, that was #5's friends party, and we hung out all night and kissed at midnight. He asked for my number but nothing has come of it...I'm more interested right now in being alone!

All of these guys, minus a few, have been random boys that I settled for, that should have never been let in. I did however learn more from these little relationships then from my big ones, especially from #5.

lol

This has been a horrible week and once again, when I think I have a set schedule it all goes to shit so I'm starting all over with life...but a new year is an opportunity to change and hit the "reset" button. I don't know whats next for me but school started this week and I'll be more then busy with that, which is great right now because I've been feeling sad and restless, no boys too distract me! I feel good though, I'm going to enjoy being alone and spending some much needed time on the improvement of Vanessa!

favs..

A few of my favorite things in life...coming home to Zoey and seeing how happy she is too see me, the smell of rain, snow!, getting flowers, a great book, getting into bed with newly washed sheets, chapstick, talking to my bests, a great tv show, listening to music, facebook comments, Coach, wine, kissing, hugs, baking, getting new recipes, chocolate, naps, board games, laughing until you cry...

Day One of detox diet.

lost in life...

I made a huge life changing decision to leave a real career to go back to school so I know that I'm in a period of transition but fuck I feel so lost in life right now..I'm getting old and I don't know what I'm doing or what I want, I'm still single, even more clueless about people and life..

People suck.

As I think back on all the people that have come and gone from my life, its a very rough feeling. I feel like I give a piece of myself to everyone I get close too..I'm a talker, an open book who has a tendency to share too much. I'd like to think that I'm picky about who I let in but in reality I'm not..I see the best in people, I make them my family..my experience has taught me that most people don't deserve it. So now I'm stuck with trying to find the balance between not becoming jaded and reserving what I share and who I share it with..because honestly this year has made me lose a lot of faith in people and I'm becoming numb. And my tolerance of BS has reached its limit.

New Years Resolution..

I have decided that 2010 will be the year of me! I'm going to focus on the betterment of Vanessa.. school, getting healthy, finding out who I am and what I really want..and definitely not letting boys muddle my life or my focus.

NYE

Summary of my night: Started at my ex's friends party..he has been really shitty and no one has ever treated me so badly..so it was very akward and I was flushed and fidgety, we left within an hour and then I cried. I hate that someone can affect my life because of their stupidity and immaturity! Next we went to Hurricane and I got wasted, which is not a good combo when you are already an emotional mess. I vaguely remember the end of the night but kissed a new boy, David, at midnight and fell on my ass, apparently my feet were hurting while we were dancing so I attempted to sit down but instead sat between the stools and landed on the floor.
So a very fun, interesting night and just another day in the life of me.