March...

March is the month...to really stick to my exercise program and diet, to focus on my priorities, and to continue the betterment of my life. :)
I am determined!
..and excited, lots of fun events planned...Abq trip, Texas trip, St. Patty's day....
Oh and hopefully I can go the whole month without one boy trying, blatantly to sleep with me, because seriously this last month has been crazy! I know I'm great and irresistible but I am way more then sex...and I can't believe how much guys don't try to date or get to know you anymore, how they really think that its okay to just ask for sex (but apparently there are quite a lot of girls out there that think that it is okay...), or worse whip it out!! UGH!!!!

words to live by...

Believe in yourself..Study hard..Give lots of kisses..laugh often..Don't be overly concerned with your weight,its just a number..Always try to see the glass half full..Meet new people, even if they look different then you..Remain calm, even when it seems hopeless..Take lots of naps..Be weird whenever you have the chance..Love your friends, no matter who they are..Relax..Take an occasional risk..Try to have fun each day..Share a joke with friends..Fall in love with someone and say it often..Express yourself creatively..Be conscious of your appearance..Always be up for surprises..Love someone with all your heart..Watch your step..It will get better..Exercise to keep fit..Seize the moment..Hold on to good friends, they are few and far between...Indulge in the things you truly love..Cherish every Sunday..At the end of the day Pray...and smile at least once a day!

I am action pact with issues!

I am so not good at staying in one place, whether its a town or a job or a relationship, and I am definitely not good when life is calm. What is wrong with me?! I feel all restless and un-content right now, like I need something to happen...which is really dumb because for the most part I actually am happy with my life.

boy update....

Okay I have yet another boy update...I have dated a lot of boys and had some very interesting experiences but so far the worst thing a boy has said to me, other then when I was bar-tending, was "I'll let you suck it!"...but the new boy takes the cake! First his penis was ALWAYS out..and seriously I'm not exaggerating. We wouldn't even be close to having sex and out comes the penis, despite countless protests from me..but then after I said we could only be friends because I was tired of seeing the penis, he asked if we could be sex friends. All I can do is laugh because seriously who does that!!!
And my ex that proposed is back, sent me a text that said "I wanna try again."...
And this guy, R, that I met in McAllen, TX when I was there for work last year, wants to buy me a ticket to fly there and see him because he really misses me...
And I have a date next week with a very promising boy that makes me laugh...

Nothing better then hearing from several people, "Have you lost weight?". :)

I'm sad today which is weird because I really have been feeling better about my life and the people in it, even despite another stupid boy full of bs. But today one of my bests moved away and we have always had ups and downs but just knowing she was here gave me comfort...and I've been thinking about boys and love a lot lately. I never wanted to settle down, until one day I just was and then went on too three big ones, now I want to find real love and settle down..yet last year I started dating again and its been a disaster, and the quality of men now seems horrible. And I'm starting to get older and feel like I'm losing my Vanessa touch (guys used to instantly love me and I couldn't get them to go away and now they don't even look back, one guy even asked me to just be his sex friend) and I'm starting to feel like something's wrong with me. I have found great guys and been proposed to several times yet I'm alone because I screw it up...I'm so afraid of love, of being left but the ironic part is that they wouldn't leave if I didn't make it happen.
I just don't even know what I want or what I'm doing anymore, which I know is even more reason that I need to just be alone and continue working on myself...but fuck it sucks, that what I want is what I can't have right now...and I am not a patient girl!
**Oh and I'm in love with Sex and the City...I know it's a show and not real but makes me feel normal and better about being thirty and single and a hot mess. :)
“When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?”

{quote}

"What would you do if you weren't afraid?"

interesting info..

So I have been doing this detox tea for a month and its great because you can still eat and the tea cleanses you out every day. However I realized this week, after a lot of drink dates, that it tells your body when you have had too much crap in your system and your stomach hurts. So guess I officially have to cut back on the outings, which is good for my stomach, my wallet, and school but not so much fun for me or my social life...

There has been a lot of changes in my life lately, good and bad, but I am really happy with how things turned out and I love the people in my life and the direction I'm headed in life!

So for the first time in a year, I refused to settle! All last year its been a procession of boys that I settled for, for whatever reason, which is why I decided on the boy free zone for awhile. I needed to re-focus on myself and not the distraction of boys but I gave in a few weeks ago BUT I ended it today. A great guy who is such a cutie, and we have this instant connection and tons of chemistry but if I stayed it would be me settling again. So it was hard and I'm sad but yay me! So I think for the time being I'm back to a boy free zone...I feel really good about my direction in life, with school, my personal progress, and I have such a great group of friends..for right now that's plenty. And I am going back to being picky about who I let in!!
"Happiness shouldn't come from a boyfriend, it should come from within."

February...

It has been such a good month: been sticking to my detox and am feeling good, minus the cold from hell that refuses to leave me; having lots of drink dates with friends that I heart; catching up on school; and started re-dating a boy.
Feels like things are slowly falling into place... ♥

{quote}

"Give me your bad day, give me your fear, bring all your burdens and lay them down here, cause I'm not going to leave you when your world becomes a war, because I'm in the trenches because you're worth fighting for"...Matthew west

boy update...

I lasted two months and am officially giving in..no more boy free zone! ;)

currently reading:

The Secret of Happiness by Billy Graham.
Amazing!!

*And don't ask why I am reading books when I barely have time to read school books! :)

"Happy is the person who has learned the secret of being content wuth whatever life brings him, and has learned to rejoice in the simple and beautiful things around him."

"Be patient enough to live one day at a time as Jesus taught us, letting yesterday go, and leaving tomorrow till it arrives."

life.

So I normally am not this negative, this analytical about things but the last years have been a rude slap in the face by life. I always lived in my Vanessa bubble: happy, confident, self-assured, a serial dater, a gypsy constantly changing, no bad came my way and if it did it worked itself out..and then I moved to Albuquerque and my bubble popped. I fell in love, put myself in a really bad situation and have been downhill ever since. It's like life saved all the bad, all the real for me and is now playing catch up...it has seriously been 6 years of hell. I have had four relationships, countless people come and go, had my heart destroyed on several occasions, had a million jobs, had horrible financial problems, had the worst year of my life, watched the most important thing in my life die, moved repeatedly, lost myself, questioned everything, and the only thing that stayed consistent was me aging and precious time passing..So now here I am, and through strength I didn't even know I had, I am a wiser, better person who is flawed massively but is fabulous. I know now that life is a beautiful, crazy, unexplainable, horrible thing and that no matter what I'll be okay, even if I don't know what tomorrow will bring, or who will be there to share it with.

"I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing. " Agatha Christie

Pretty Little Mistakes.

I am reading a book where you pick the outcome..much like your own life. It got me thinking about choices and life...there are so many choices we make on a daily basis, some small and some big, but what happens if you pick the wrong one. Can you ever get back on track? Or does it really not matter what you do because God has a bigger picture and plan for you?

Spring semester...

I need to get my life in order...I hate this out of control, flustered feeling that this semester has caused. I feel like I can't catch up, with money, with school, with life.
1. Get caught up on school.
2. Get rid of cold that refuses to leave me and is draining all energy from me.
3. Find better job.
4. Get finances stable.
5. Vegan.

This has been one of those weeks where you say FML...hoping it gets better with the trip to Abq this weekend. I am looking forward to Feb and all that is planned. I just need to get on track with money and school...this semester is crazy and I can't seem to get my barrings.
I am definitely learning to rely on myself and faith, to take the bad and not over-react so much, and to be alone...a whole month without boys!