Today was a bad day...starting with me being an unmotivated, lazy blob (school and exercise), ending with my ex being an immature ass who ruined my work day. I came home and cried...but I have great friends and know that I'm better then him, so I am over it and am now watching the Bachelor and getting my Facebook fix. ♥

Here is a great poem I stumbled upon about a door...
"Consider how many times life changes by opening a door, who you meet there, what you find there, what you leave behind. Falling in love with a door is easy; it records the living, hears every whisper, every tear, it lets you lean there - against it, slam it, bang it, walk through it...
Yes. I do believe the most sensible way to get through a wall is by using a door.
Either side lets you in or leaves you out - holds in warmth, keeps out cold, holds generally. And of course it makes you question.
Question where you are going, what you are doing, why you are doing it, what made you do it. Question choices, courage and letting go. Letting it be. Letting it open.
I've left my breath near a door many times - and found it too."

March...

March is the month...to really stick to my exercise program and diet, to focus on my priorities, and to continue the betterment of my life. :)
I am determined!
..and excited, lots of fun events planned...Abq trip, Texas trip, St. Patty's day....
Oh and hopefully I can go the whole month without one boy trying, blatantly to sleep with me, because seriously this last month has been crazy! I know I'm great and irresistible but I am way more then sex...and I can't believe how much guys don't try to date or get to know you anymore, how they really think that its okay to just ask for sex (but apparently there are quite a lot of girls out there that think that it is okay...), or worse whip it out!! UGH!!!!

words to live by...

Believe in yourself..Study hard..Give lots of kisses..laugh often..Don't be overly concerned with your weight,its just a number..Always try to see the glass half full..Meet new people, even if they look different then you..Remain calm, even when it seems hopeless..Take lots of naps..Be weird whenever you have the chance..Love your friends, no matter who they are..Relax..Take an occasional risk..Try to have fun each day..Share a joke with friends..Fall in love with someone and say it often..Express yourself creatively..Be conscious of your appearance..Always be up for surprises..Love someone with all your heart..Watch your step..It will get better..Exercise to keep fit..Seize the moment..Hold on to good friends, they are few and far between...Indulge in the things you truly love..Cherish every Sunday..At the end of the day Pray...and smile at least once a day!

I am action pact with issues!

I am so not good at staying in one place, whether its a town or a job or a relationship, and I am definitely not good when life is calm. What is wrong with me?! I feel all restless and un-content right now, like I need something to happen...which is really dumb because for the most part I actually am happy with my life.

boy update....

Okay I have yet another boy update...I have dated a lot of boys and had some very interesting experiences but so far the worst thing a boy has said to me, other then when I was bar-tending, was "I'll let you suck it!"...but the new boy takes the cake! First his penis was ALWAYS out..and seriously I'm not exaggerating. We wouldn't even be close to having sex and out comes the penis, despite countless protests from me..but then after I said we could only be friends because I was tired of seeing the penis, he asked if we could be sex friends. All I can do is laugh because seriously who does that!!!
And my ex that proposed is back, sent me a text that said "I wanna try again."...
And this guy, R, that I met in McAllen, TX when I was there for work last year, wants to buy me a ticket to fly there and see him because he really misses me...
And I have a date next week with a very promising boy that makes me laugh...

Nothing better then hearing from several people, "Have you lost weight?". :)

I'm sad today which is weird because I really have been feeling better about my life and the people in it, even despite another stupid boy full of bs. But today one of my bests moved away and we have always had ups and downs but just knowing she was here gave me comfort...and I've been thinking about boys and love a lot lately. I never wanted to settle down, until one day I just was and then went on too three big ones, now I want to find real love and settle down..yet last year I started dating again and its been a disaster, and the quality of men now seems horrible. And I'm starting to get older and feel like I'm losing my Vanessa touch (guys used to instantly love me and I couldn't get them to go away and now they don't even look back, one guy even asked me to just be his sex friend) and I'm starting to feel like something's wrong with me. I have found great guys and been proposed to several times yet I'm alone because I screw it up...I'm so afraid of love, of being left but the ironic part is that they wouldn't leave if I didn't make it happen.
I just don't even know what I want or what I'm doing anymore, which I know is even more reason that I need to just be alone and continue working on myself...but fuck it sucks, that what I want is what I can't have right now...and I am not a patient girl!
**Oh and I'm in love with Sex and the City...I know it's a show and not real but makes me feel normal and better about being thirty and single and a hot mess. :)
“When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?”