I'm sad today which is weird because I really have been feeling better about my life and the people in it, even despite another stupid boy full of bs. But today one of my bests moved away and we have always had ups and downs but just knowing she was here gave me comfort...and I've been thinking about boys and love a lot lately. I never wanted to settle down, until one day I just was and then went on too three big ones, now I want to find real love and settle down..yet last year I started dating again and its been a disaster, and the quality of men now seems horrible. And I'm starting to get older and feel like I'm losing my Vanessa touch (guys used to instantly love me and I couldn't get them to go away and now they don't even look back, one guy even asked me to just be his sex friend) and I'm starting to feel like something's wrong with me. I have found great guys and been proposed to several times yet I'm alone because I screw it up...I'm so afraid of love, of being left but the ironic part is that they wouldn't leave if I didn't make it happen.
I just don't even know what I want or what I'm doing anymore, which I know is even more reason that I need to just be alone and continue working on myself...but fuck it sucks, that what I want is what I can't have right now...and I am not a patient girl!
**Oh and I'm in love with Sex and the City...I know it's a show and not real but makes me feel normal and better about being thirty and single and a hot mess. :)
“When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?”