I'm sad today which is weird because I really have been feeling better about my life and the people in it, even despite another stupid boy full of bs. But today one of my bests moved away and we have always had ups and downs but just knowing she was here gave me comfort...and I've been thinking about boys and love a lot lately. I never wanted to settle down, until one day I just was and then went on too three big ones, now I want to find real love and settle down..yet last year I started dating again and its been a disaster, and the quality of men now seems horrible. And I'm starting to get older and feel like I'm losing my Vanessa touch (guys used to instantly love me and I couldn't get them to go away and now they don't even look back, one guy even asked me to just be his sex friend) and I'm starting to feel like something's wrong with me. I have found great guys and been proposed to several times yet I'm alone because I screw it up...I'm so afraid of love, of being left but the ironic part is that they wouldn't leave if I didn't make it happen.
I just don't even know what I want or what I'm doing anymore, which I know is even more reason that I need to just be alone and continue working on myself...but fuck it sucks, that what I want is what I can't have right now...and I am not a patient girl!
**Oh and I'm in love with Sex and the City...I know it's a show and not real but makes me feel normal and better about being thirty and single and a hot mess. :)
“When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?”

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"What would you do if you weren't afraid?"

interesting info..

So I have been doing this detox tea for a month and its great because you can still eat and the tea cleanses you out every day. However I realized this week, after a lot of drink dates, that it tells your body when you have had too much crap in your system and your stomach hurts. So guess I officially have to cut back on the outings, which is good for my stomach, my wallet, and school but not so much fun for me or my social life...

There has been a lot of changes in my life lately, good and bad, but I am really happy with how things turned out and I love the people in my life and the direction I'm headed in life!

So for the first time in a year, I refused to settle! All last year its been a procession of boys that I settled for, for whatever reason, which is why I decided on the boy free zone for awhile. I needed to re-focus on myself and not the distraction of boys but I gave in a few weeks ago BUT I ended it today. A great guy who is such a cutie, and we have this instant connection and tons of chemistry but if I stayed it would be me settling again. So it was hard and I'm sad but yay me! So I think for the time being I'm back to a boy free zone...I feel really good about my direction in life, with school, my personal progress, and I have such a great group of friends..for right now that's plenty. And I am going back to being picky about who I let in!!
"Happiness shouldn't come from a boyfriend, it should come from within."

February...

It has been such a good month: been sticking to my detox and am feeling good, minus the cold from hell that refuses to leave me; having lots of drink dates with friends that I heart; catching up on school; and started re-dating a boy.
Feels like things are slowly falling into place... ♥

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"Give me your bad day, give me your fear, bring all your burdens and lay them down here, cause I'm not going to leave you when your world becomes a war, because I'm in the trenches because you're worth fighting for"...Matthew west