Day One of detox diet.

lost in life...

I made a huge life changing decision to leave a real career to go back to school so I know that I'm in a period of transition but fuck I feel so lost in life right now..I'm getting old and I don't know what I'm doing or what I want, I'm still single, even more clueless about people and life..

People suck.

As I think back on all the people that have come and gone from my life, its a very rough feeling. I feel like I give a piece of myself to everyone I get close too..I'm a talker, an open book who has a tendency to share too much. I'd like to think that I'm picky about who I let in but in reality I'm not..I see the best in people, I make them my family..my experience has taught me that most people don't deserve it. So now I'm stuck with trying to find the balance between not becoming jaded and reserving what I share and who I share it with..because honestly this year has made me lose a lot of faith in people and I'm becoming numb. And my tolerance of BS has reached its limit.

New Years Resolution..

I have decided that 2010 will be the year of me! I'm going to focus on the betterment of Vanessa.. school, getting healthy, finding out who I am and what I really want..and definitely not letting boys muddle my life or my focus.

NYE

Summary of my night: Started at my ex's friends party..he has been really shitty and no one has ever treated me so badly..so it was very akward and I was flushed and fidgety, we left within an hour and then I cried. I hate that someone can affect my life because of their stupidity and immaturity! Next we went to Hurricane and I got wasted, which is not a good combo when you are already an emotional mess. I vaguely remember the end of the night but kissed a new boy, David, at midnight and fell on my ass, apparently my feet were hurting while we were dancing so I attempted to sit down but instead sat between the stools and landed on the floor.
So a very fun, interesting night and just another day in the life of me.

I've been shot...

So went out with a friend for drinks and ended up talking about Juarez and for the few that don't know, in high school I was shot.
So here's the story...back before Juarez got super scary we used to go party every week there..well this one time was the best, funnest time ever and I was WASTED! We were leaving and in the parking lot when we heard gun shots, I am of course oblivious to my surroundings as always so my friends are yelling at me to get down. I do but half heartily and then they yell at me to get in the car. My left leg is slightly burning but I acknowledge my friends demands and get in the car. The random boy next to me notices my bloody thigh and announces to the car that I've been shot but its only a graze. I remember every detail from this point on, which is amazing for a girl who has the worst memory! The carload of people became hysterics, people were yelling at each other and I was instantly sober and hysterical. We start frantically driving to get me out of Mexico and into El Paso. We stop at the Boarder Patrol and he asks us if we are US citizens and we all say yes, then he asks what the Presidents pets name is, we say we don't know and he says "Yep you are US citizens!" So we make it to Thomason and enter through the ER and everyone starts yelling "Gun Shot!" (seriously this moment is like in the movies). They put me on a bed and rip my jeans off, which by the way was my biggest concern, and do xrays. Oh and I failed to mention that it was not a graze, it went through my entire thigh! The doctor said that if the bullet had been an inch lower I would be paralyzed and an inch higher and it would have hit an artery and I would have bled to death before getting to the hospital. So I'm 17, so drunk that they can't even give me medicine and can not be admitted into a room without parent permission..so am placed in the hall. Finally my mom gets there and I get my room but I have a panic attack in the middle of the night....so long story short I was fine but for awhile you could see through my leg and I had to do physical therapy, basically re-learn how to walk, and I still have two little scars...but one hell of a good story!

2009 What A Year!

So as the end of another year comes around, I find myself reviewing and contemplating everything that the year had brought...
I quit my GM job and went to a new restaurant coming to town but ended up traveling for the first part of the year. I then decided to quit management all together and go back to school to finish my teaching degree. I met my gay hubbie, who now I can't imagine my life without. I became addicted to FaceBook and have reconnected with sooooo many people and its amazing! I was proposed too. I became a very poor college student and have realized money is the bain of my existence. I dated alot and none of them turned out well..full stories of those mini-relationships will come in another post..but surprisingly learned more from them then my huge long relationships. I had an epiphany about myself and my issues..that I have dad issues and am in a constant search for love and family yet am so afraid of being left that I make it happen; that for the past 6 years all I have done is settle for the wrong boys (and it all started with Dusty). I have finally stopped caring so much about other people. I completed my first semester back at NMSU and got 4 A's and 2 B's!!
This surprisingly is a normal year in my life and actually was not that bad of a year..especially compared to 2008, which was my horrible year where I wasn't sure if I'd make it out alive. I am very much looking forward to 2010 and hopefully a stable, calmer year focused on school and the ever growing improvements of me....Yeah right, what would my life be without drama and constant change! :)
"The drama in life is what makes you strong."