Epiphany.

I have had an epiphany, tired of being sad and over-analyzing everything so I am over it! I am focusing on myself and backing off of people for awhile..this is up there with giving up boys in hardness for me. I'm a social person, who craves people, talking, love but I'm feeling consumed, broken by people and I just need a break. I need friends that really want to be in my life, that pursue talking/hanging out with me, that realize I need them right now....so we'll see I guess...

{quote}

"Life is fragile. We are all vulnerable and we will all, at some point in our lives, fall. We must carry this in our hearts, that what have is special, that it can be taken from us and when it its taken from us we will be tested, tested to our very souls. It is these times, this pain, that allows us to look inside ourselves."

contemplating....

I am feeling a huge mix of emotions lately...sad and distance from friends-in fact I have decided to just back off from people completely for a little while..I feel like I'm always the pursuer and I'm tired of it; contemplating the next step in my life; and the endless questions about boys, especially now with my ex, G. I can't deny what we have, the chemistry and connection. He knows me better then anyone, wholly and completely..and the the things he said Sunday night...I know I am a complete disaster with relationships, I'm high maintenance, over-emotional, over-analyzer, a flight risk, who pushes people away, and who gets what she thinks she wants but then doesn't want it anymore...so for a person to tell me you drive me crazy but I don't want you to change, you are my Vanessa...words can't describe how that felt to hear. Maybe there is someone out there who can handle everything that is me and won't ask me to change or leave me because I can't! But I don't know how I feel about G-if I honestly can see us back together, my future with him or honestly if that's even an option..what if I had the right guy there the whole time and I let him go and now I've lost him for good? Or what if space was all we needed to get our shit together?

best conversation..my heart may burst! ♥

I had just had a guy tell me everything I've ever wanted someone to say to me...."I can't see my life without you, in any form or shape. My life is no life without you. There is no me without you. I don't want you to change-you're my Vanessa. I will always be in your life, no matter how many times you throw me out. You are my chaos and pleasure."
And this wasn't even I want you as my girlfriend or wife, it was just I'm your friend, I'm your person no matter what and I'll never leave.
My greatest fear is being left, which is why I become crazy Vanessa in relationships and then hence make them leave...this is the first time in my entire life that I believe, whether its as a friend or as more, this person will always be there. I can't even describe how I feel right now...

Saturday.

I've had a lovely perfect Saturday...went to the Farmers Market and walked around, then the Art Museum, then lunch, then walked around Mesilla (sampled some wine...say the best quote, "Life is good but wine is better!"), and then sat on the patio listing to live music with a bucket of beer...then tonight going to a party with a old friend. Perfect! :)
And tonight no one believed my age, told me I looked 27...woo hoo!!!

So this week is pretty much shot to hell with me being a big pile..all I've done is be lazy and watch Netflix. So much for taking the week off of work to catch up on school..
However, next week is a fresh start and I will be better: exercise, detox, school, work..

people make me sad.

I have said before and I'll say it again, people suck!! I have been sad all week because of them and then hating myself for caring. I'm tired of seeing the best in people, of giving them my all just to be let down and hurt...and seriously do you ever really know someone?!


There is a perfect quote that keeps me strong...
"God doesn't give you the people you want, He gives you the people you NEED. To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be."